I often have a recurring nightmare where I’m rewriting my high school senior exams - again and again and again. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve sat in those dream-world classrooms, only to fail to show up for an important paper. Why I’m always dreaming about my high school exams is a mystery, especially considering that university was much harder! It took years before I realized that these dreams were a sign of something deeper: Performance Anxiety.
Like Imposter Syndrome, Performance Anxiety is very real. When I’m caught in its grip, I’ve learned to evaluate the projects I’m working on to identify the stressors.
Being a perfectionist doesn’t help. I’m terrified of making mistakes. As a web developer, my work often involves trial and error, debugging, and problem-solving. And yet my fear of making mistakes can sometimes paralyze me. My subconscious tends to tell me that I'm making mistakes. I’ll then spend hours combing through code, hunting for errors and refactoring endlessly, even when it’s unnecessary.
Another challenge I often face is scope creep. It’s a common issue in my line of work, where project boundaries start to blur and expectations tend to rise. I do my best to educate clients about this problem and manage their expectations, but I’ve yet to find a foolproof solution. Scope creep makes it difficult to set clear and achievable goals and often results in unrealistic deadlines. It’s a vicious cycle that adds to the pressure.
Then there’s the matter of boundaries - or, more accurately, my struggle to establish and maintain them. I'm extremely customer-centric, always going the extra mile. But sometimes, the fuel just isn’t there for that extra mile. I once had a client tell me:
"It is easy to do the impossible, miracles take a little bit longer." ~ Ian Williams.
I’ve become so accustomed to “performing miracles” that I often forget my own limitations. It's a mindset that comes with costs and without proper self-care and a work-life balance, a burnout becomes inevitable.
Ironically, the very things that could prevent a burnout - like setting boundaries or prioritizing self-care - leave me feeling guilty! It’s as if taking time for myself is somehow letting others down, even though I know deep down that you can’t draw blood from a rock.
Performance Anxiety is something I’ve learned to manage rather than eliminate. By now I've learned to recognize the triggers and have been able to take steps to reduce its grip on me.
It’s a work in progress, but it would be interesting to know how other developers deal with it.